I don't know when I fell in love with Ani, but I know that I have loved him for a while now and I have been scared to death to tell him. He has only been separated from his wife for just over a year. At the beginning of our relationship, he said I wasn't allowed to fall in love with him. We then proceeded to spend all our free time together. He tells me all the time how much he likes me and likes being with me. That no matter what we do, whether it's go for a walk, watch a movie, cut down a tree, hang out with friends, or absolutely nothing, he likes doing it with me. He has treated me with respect and sweetness. He is down-to-earth, friendly, loves to have fun, is great with his kids, great with MY kids. He doesn't care about money or having THINGS. He values honestly and friendship. We laugh together, sometimes at weird times (should you really laugh when in the middle of sex?). He GETS me. He calms me down when The Crazy is on me, he shows me alternate ways of parenting my children.
How can I NOT love him?
I am scared to tell him because I don't think he is ready to hear it. I am scared to tell him because what if he then feels obligated to say it back? Or worse, that he has to marry me. (He feels like he was forced to get married the first time and kind of did it because everybody expected it of him.) Or, instead of marrying, that he has to stay with me because he feels obligated to?
I argue with myself that I am 36 (!) years old and dammit, I am an adult. If I want to love somebody, I am strong enough and confident enough to deal with any outcome. That it is a blessing in this world to love someone and I should be thankful for it. That it doesn't matter if he loves me back or not.
Then I think, is it selfish of me? Is it selfish that I sometimes feel like I NEED to tell him, that it is too big to stay a secret in my heart? Is it selfish NOT to think about how he feels, how he would react? Is it selfish of me not to think about my kids and his kids?
Or am I over-thinking it as usual? Should it just be something that comes natural, that in the right moment, I will just say it, because it is time?
Sometimes, being a girl is exhausting!